What comes next for me?

Sorting out the details of my life

Lost! …but not with all the attractive Hollywood folks September 29, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — merimnao @ 10:06 pm

I do not like losing things. Who actually likes loss, really? I cannot imagine there are many people out there who relish the idea of not winning a game or of misplacing something valuable.

I possess a horrible sense of direction and have a tendency to get lost at an embarrassing frequency. I do not particularly like this, although I have learned to live with it and to not let it bother me as much.

I hate losing my focus and trying to remember just what that important thought was, the one that was burning a mark in my brain just seconds ago.

It is awful to lose money or time. Both are not things that I want to waste in frivolous manners.

I can think of one glaring exception to my distaste for loss – I am usually quite appreciative of losing weight. Even that can be a bad thing sometimes, although I would currently welcome a bit of this type of loss. (That will have to be a topic of its own at another time!)

There is one loss that keeps me up at night sometimes. The potential for this type of loss makes me very anxious; it might even be appropriate to say that it is the root of well over half of my anxiety.

I am so fearful of losing people in my life forever. It is hard enough to think of people moving away to another town or country, becoming frustrated with me, or otherwise ceasing to be my friend. It is horrifying to ponder losing people to death. I might even admit that I fear this to an irrational extent. If I started tracking my worries and anxieties in a completely honest manner, I think I would realize that this fear creeps into my mind nearly daily.

That can’t be healthy.

And yet… It is what it is.

I live my life, but I worry about the safety of my husband. What if he gets hit by a car while biking to work today? What if a gunman walks into his office, and he gets caught in the middle? What if that headache he mentioned yesterday is actually an untreatable brain tumor?

I live my life, but I worry about the health of my mother. What if she ignores the signs of an (another) important health issue? What if she is not careful enough while driving and causes an accident that injures herself or others? What if she does not mind her safety and gets injured when walking her dog in the city late at night?

I live my life, but I worry about all the things that could happen and the people I could lose as a result.

One of the crappy things about life is that everyone dies. That means I am going to lose people. Hopefully most of them will have had long, happy lives and will leave our world in a peaceful, painless manner. Not that losing loved ones to old age is easy… that is a sadness of its own. (I am contemplating this particular loss these days. Grandparents are special people.) I have lost people through other horrible, unexpected circumstances. I think that knowing that loss can be surprising like that and can catch you off guard has left me even more apprehensive about the possibilities of losing the people around me. I resent this.

I want to take this knowledge – that life is short and those I love could be gone at any moment – and twist it around to motivate myself to value those around me and my time with them.

I want to live my life and enjoy my loved ones.

I want to live my life and stop worrying.

 

Perhaps I just really wanted wedding cake… September 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — merimnao @ 6:13 pm

I have a memory of an interaction that occurred frequently when I was in high school. My best friend would say something like, “oh, I wish I had a boyfriend.” I would sigh and say “I wish I had a husband.”

This was ridiculous. I was in HIGH SCHOOL. I don’t think I *really* wanted to be a teenage bride… I hope not! It was more likely a symptom of my consistent impatience and longing for something new, something more, something better. Marriage and being in a relationship with a husband represented an ideal, a longterm happy match that would make life easy and perfect.

Well.

Years later, I realize that married life is neither perfect nor easy. Getting married certainly did not magically solve any of my problems, although it gave me someone with whom I could share my laughs and tears.

Years later, I am grateful for the experiences I had in life on my own and for the stories I can tell about my sometimes thrilling, often mundane life before I was Mrs. Merimnao.

Years later, I am thankful for the individual I found, the man who captures my attention and my giggles. Neither of us is perfect, but I usually think he is much closer to mastering perfection than I am. I adore him, and I long to be around him after even short absences. I have found someone who is fantastic and delightful and perfect for me.

Years after those original longings for a husband, though, I am longing for what comes next.

Gah! I wish I could train myself to be satisfied with the wonders of life in the here and now.

 

So… what’s next? September 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — merimnao @ 1:21 pm

A brief introduction to my story and an explanation behind my alias, Merimnao, can be found on my “About Me” page.

I have a bad habit. Well, if I am being honest, I would admit to many bad habits. The particular habit I am thinking about at the moment is my tendency to obsess over what is going to happen next. It’s like a grown up version of the sequence in the book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

If you give me something exciting to look forward to, I am going to think about all of the ways in which my life may change when that exciting event happens.
Once I get past all of the potentially awful possibilities, I will allow myself to be excited about the upcoming event.
After half a millisecond of excitement, I will likely mentally move on and begin thinking about the even more exciting event that follows the initial excitement.
…and then about the potential drama surrounding the new event.
…and then about the ways I am going to workaround those issues.
…and then the tasks I will need to do to ensure the success of the NEXT next event.
…and on and on, until I am planning for something that may or may not happen in five to fifteen years from now.
…and then I collapse on the couch in an overwhelmed, fearful heap of tears and cookie crumbs, unable to deal with anything until I remind myself to take things one step at a time.

It’s an exhausting process. I wish I could just learn to live in the present, to experience what is around me now without worrying about or planning for the things that I hope (or fear!) are (or aren’t!) going to happen in the future. I have to believe that the people around me would benefit from having all of my energy and attention with them in our current activities, rather than having only a fraction of my focus, as the rest of me is daydreaming about the future.

I wonder how easy that is to accomplish? I’m working on it.