…well, you know how it goes.
I know what I want to come next.
If I am being honest, I have known for quite a while. I denied it for a bit, or maybe I simply resisted it. It was always clear that my husband was eager to have a baby sooner than later, but I told him from early on that I wanted to wait a few years, perhaps experience 3-5 years of married life before we add anyone else to the equation.
Let’s just say I am ready to work on that math sooner than I had expected.
With some awkwardness and trepidation, I had several conversations with my husband to explain my newly realized thoughts about the timing of adding a baby to our relationship. I was nervous and anxious, and I felt silly. I had been so adamant previously about how long I wanted to wait and why. In those many conversations before our marriage and in the time since, I had worried that I was causing him some disappointment or frustration. Naturally, my changed perspective wasn’t a shock to him; he had seen gradual signs of my new desire. Heck, he probably saw these signs long before I acknowledged them.
Imagine my surprise, then, when he was a bit resistant, not to the idea of a baby but to the eagerness that I expressed. Once I had decided to get going, I thought it would be a simple matter of telling him of my decision and then moving forward to make it happen. He, of course, wanted to proceed deliberately and thoughtfully, heeding the important details of such an important decision. (I know… I married a good, kind, logical, wise man. At least one of us has a non-impulsive brain.)
So we took a few months to talk through some things. We discussed plans and possibilities. We analyzed. We dreamed. We smiled. We gulped with apprehension. We made some changes and started working towards additional changes.
…and we decided to really start on this.
It’s exciting and terrifying and thrilling and overwhelming and so much more.
I am very anxious about this process and about all of the things that are unknown. What if it takes longer than we want to get pregnant? What if a pregnancy doesn’t happen at all? What if we lose a pregnancy (or more than one)? I do not like waiting, nor do I like not knowing exactly how things are going to happen and the timeline with which they will proceed.
I am going to try to be patiently optimistic. A few weeks in, I am still working on being patient; I have the optimism covered right now.
What comes next for me? I guess I will let you know sooner or later.