What comes next for me?

Sorting out the details of my life

From now on, our troubles will be out of sight December 8, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — merimnao @ 3:44 pm

I need a merry little Christmas like that.
Wouldn’t it be lovely to have my troubles out of sight and miles away?
…to let my heart be light?
…for life to be like it was in happy golden days of yore?

Alas, I am just not feeling it this year. I am finding it really difficult to get into the excitement of Christmas this year, although I am usually a “most! wonderful! time!” kind of girl when it comes to the holiday season. I keep longing for it to be January already. I am dreading participating in some of the traditions about which I have previously been positively giddy. We are not getting a Christmas tree for our house, and I am completely okay with that. I feel like I could give or take the family time. I have only watched two or three sappy, made-for-TV Christmas movies, and I am not compelled to watch more. (This, my friends, is the true sign that something is off. Those who know me best know that I adore sappy Christmas movies and will give up sleep, chocolate, and everything else I enjoy in order to watch as many as I can!) I cannot put my finger on exactly why I am feeling this way, but I am pretty much apathetic about this holiday season.

Perhaps because I cannot precisely identify the source of my indifference, I do not know how to treat it or how to get my pep back. (PEPpermint candy canes isn’t going to do the trick. That does sound like something pulled from one of the aforementioned sappy movies, however!) Maybe this is a symptom of depression that would be aided by talking to a counselor and/or consulting with my doctor about an increase of my antidepressant dose. Or maybe it is a symptom of our busy, hectic life and a signal that I need to cancel some of my scheduled activities for the sake of my mental health. Or maybe it is simply one of those things that happens every once in a while and I just need to wait it out.

Regardless of the reason, I do not like feeling this way.

I do not like feeling like I am a bad friend because I have neglected to follow up with numerous friends. (Related note for another time: I suck at staying in contact with friends even when I am in tip top shape. Not surprisingly, it is even worse when I am in an unexplained funk.)

I do not like feeling like I cannot keep track of our finances. We have an overdraft fee because I neglected to move money in time. Oops. I have communicated to my husband that I need some help keeping an eye on where things are, so at least there is a solution. I remain annoyed that it is a problem, though.

I do not like feeling like I just want to go back to sleep when I wake up or that my husband gazes deeply into my eyes most mornings lately and asks me if I am okay or if there is something wrong. I have never been a morning person, but I seem to be starting every day lately with an exceptional sense of melancholy.

I do not like feeling like I am dreading all of the upcoming family occasions. I value my family so much, and I have really enjoyed further building my relationship with my husband’s family. Usually, I am quite excited about getting together with these people. I sometimes can’t sleep before big family gatherings; I get that excited about them. At this point, I feel like I would much rather just stay home with my husband.

I do not like feeling like I have to know what is going to happen and in what order, to the point that I become privately tearful and upset when others do not go along with my planning. This has happened twice lately. Both times, I pulled myself together relatively quickly, but I continued to experience an unsettled, impatient mood for several hours. I usually like knowing what is coming next, but it is not usually this upsetting when that doesn’t happen.

I do not like feeling like I cannot remember things. …wait, what was I talking about? 😉

I want to step into a better mood so I can experience the fun parts of the holidays. I want to be still on peaceful, silent nights… to celebrate with people I love.

I want my troubles to be out of sight.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself

A merry little Christmas now.

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