What comes next for me?

Sorting out the details of my life

Perhaps I just really wanted wedding cake… September 27, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — merimnao @ 6:13 pm

I have a memory of an interaction that occurred frequently when I was in high school. My best friend would say something like, “oh, I wish I had a boyfriend.” I would sigh and say “I wish I had a husband.”

This was ridiculous. I was in HIGH SCHOOL. I don’t think I *really* wanted to be a teenage bride… I hope not! It was more likely a symptom of my consistent impatience and longing for something new, something more, something better. Marriage and being in a relationship with a husband represented an ideal, a longterm happy match that would make life easy and perfect.

Well.

Years later, I realize that married life is neither perfect nor easy. Getting married certainly did not magically solve any of my problems, although it gave me someone with whom I could share my laughs and tears.

Years later, I am grateful for the experiences I had in life on my own and for the stories I can tell about my sometimes thrilling, often mundane life before I was Mrs. Merimnao.

Years later, I am thankful for the individual I found, the man who captures my attention and my giggles. Neither of us is perfect, but I usually think he is much closer to mastering perfection than I am. I adore him, and I long to be around him after even short absences. I have found someone who is fantastic and delightful and perfect for me.

Years after those original longings for a husband, though, I am longing for what comes next.

Gah! I wish I could train myself to be satisfied with the wonders of life in the here and now.

 

So… what’s next? September 21, 2011

Filed under: Uncategorized — merimnao @ 1:21 pm

A brief introduction to my story and an explanation behind my alias, Merimnao, can be found on my “About Me” page.

I have a bad habit. Well, if I am being honest, I would admit to many bad habits. The particular habit I am thinking about at the moment is my tendency to obsess over what is going to happen next. It’s like a grown up version of the sequence in the book, If You Give a Mouse a Cookie.

If you give me something exciting to look forward to, I am going to think about all of the ways in which my life may change when that exciting event happens.
Once I get past all of the potentially awful possibilities, I will allow myself to be excited about the upcoming event.
After half a millisecond of excitement, I will likely mentally move on and begin thinking about the even more exciting event that follows the initial excitement.
…and then about the potential drama surrounding the new event.
…and then about the ways I am going to workaround those issues.
…and then the tasks I will need to do to ensure the success of the NEXT next event.
…and on and on, until I am planning for something that may or may not happen in five to fifteen years from now.
…and then I collapse on the couch in an overwhelmed, fearful heap of tears and cookie crumbs, unable to deal with anything until I remind myself to take things one step at a time.

It’s an exhausting process. I wish I could just learn to live in the present, to experience what is around me now without worrying about or planning for the things that I hope (or fear!) are (or aren’t!) going to happen in the future. I have to believe that the people around me would benefit from having all of my energy and attention with them in our current activities, rather than having only a fraction of my focus, as the rest of me is daydreaming about the future.

I wonder how easy that is to accomplish? I’m working on it.